As we move through transitions both individually and collectively, may we be reminded of just how much we are loved by God. May we be reminded of the love we give and receive from friends and family. May we experience God’s love through the sunshine, the greenery that surrounds us and through every blessing that continues to flow into our lives. I mean, let’s face it, there’s more to you than that. Let’s face it. “through many dangers, toils, and snares, you have already come.” It was grace that brought you safe thus far, and beyond any shadow of doubt, I know that grace will lead you on.
Let’s face it, you had a perceived sense of control, but the Universe was “in control” the entire time! And, let’s face it, the best thing to do is to breathe your way through the process. The ending is the beginning of the process. When something ends, whether we are stripped of it, or we consciously let it go, this is the set up, a step in the direction of a new beginning. BUT first, we must deal with the ending. So, let’s face it, shall we?
This is week three of our series, “Trusting the Process of Change.” I entitled this talk, “Let’s Face It” because we will learn about several ways in which people face “The Endings.” Before we begin that discussion, let’s talk about the importance of acknowledging Endings. If we do not take the time to feel and grieve our Endings, we will move through life with baggage of all of the “stuff” that we should have left behind. Endings are necessary for expansion. Musical artist, Erykah Badu, wrote a song called, “Bag Lady.” Part of the lyrics to the song are as follows:
“Bag lady, you gone hurt your back
Dragging all them bags like that
I guess nobody ever told you
All you must hold onto is you.”
She says, “One day, all them bags, gone get in your way. So pack light.” Can you imagine what you might look like if you wore a visible bag for all of the things you have not allowed to end in your life? Now, the thing itself may be lifeless, but you won’t let it go. So you keep it alive by carrying it around. Let’s face it, you’re using up energy, time, and space that could go toward more productive thoughts and adventures in your life! For the purpose of expansion, growth, and new beginnings, we must be willing to face the endings.
Understated or Overstated?
The ego is capricious! It wants to live, and it wants to run your show. It does not want to die daily, and it certainly does not want your Christ consciousness to get behind the wheel and announce, “I’ll be the driver from now on!” So your ego/personality will invite you to ignore endings altogether (which looks like the “Bag Lady” syndrome), or the ego will understate the ending, or the personality gets so attached that it overstates the ending.
When we understate an ending, we say things like: It’s no big deal! I never really liked him/her anyway! Stop making a mountain over a molehill. We say, “Whatever. It’s cool. It’s all good. It’s really not that important. Of course it happened. No, yeah, it doesn’t really matter.” When we understate the ending, we refuse to feel the feelings associated with the ending.
We choose to do everything we can to ignore the grief that the loss may have created. Often those who understate an ending will develop an addiction to drugs, to alcohol, to sex, to eating, to religion, to work. The point is distraction! Distraction from feeling the grief and dealing with the ending.
Others will overstate the ending. In this regard, the person may believe it’s impossible to live another day beyond the ending. We believe our world is coming to an end. We see no way forward. So, we stay stuck in the story. Our lives become consumed by the ending. Often those who overstate an ending will develop depression, anxiety, and thoughts of suicide, or anger and rage about their current reality.
Unity of Melbourne from Tremble Road
Consider with me, your individual and collective responses to the ending of our spiritual community’s gathering at the building on Tremble Rd. If you were part of that transition time what was your response? Did you just check out? Did you say, “Yeah, I’m not doing that.” “They can wake me up when it’s all over.” And so you chose not to be willing participant in your own transition. OR did you underestimate the ending of Tremble Rd.?
Did you tell yourself, “Yeah, all is well. I’m cool with it. It’s no big deal. We’re just going from one building to another one. It’s no big deal. I’ve been at Tremble Road for 10 ten years. I just hope they bring they piano and the drum set with them because I really enjoy that music.” OR have you overestimated the ending. Are you stuck in the story of Tremble Road? Does it have you paralyzed to move forward? Are you stuck in that story? Do you begin most sentences with, “Well, the way we did it at Tremble Road…” And are you angry or even bitter with your current reality of Unity of Melbourne?
We have had a collective transition. While I was not here for the Ending of Tremble Road, I can feel the effects of the process. It lives within the bones of this community. What is in Unity of Melbourne’s spiritual DNA? How are we living 5 years post trauma? Are you lugging that loss around like the bag lady? Are you spiritually bypassing the grief and telling yourself, “It was all in God’s hands.” Do you still sit around today angry and bitter about what you don’t have now, and what you used to have then, and why did we uproot you from such a happy place!
Consider Your Own Transitions
When you consider your own transitions at this time, where do you find yourself? We have moved through so much as individuals.
- Marriages
- Divorces
- Moving to a new place
- The loss of a job
- The loss of a loved one
- Buying or selling a house
- Living with a diagnoses
- Inviting new love into your life.
Are you ignoring the ending and acting as if it didn’t affect you at all? Are you understating the ending and finding ways to numb the pain? Or, Are you overstating the ending by remaining stuck in the story? Remember last week, when we talked about Mary? We have to be willing to feel the fear, the fear of the unknown, and do it anyway.
Four Aspects of the Natural Ending Experience
Author William Bridges identifies four aspects of the natural ending experience.
- Disengagement
- Disidentification
- Disenchantment
- Disorientation
I am reminded of a time in my life. I was a little girl, and I grew up in my very rural neighborhood with lots of friends my age. My grandmother’s house was the drop off spot for about 10 children Monday through Friday while parents worked. Several of us were the same age, but our birthday fell at different times during the year. I’m a September 26th baby, which meant I could not start school at the same time that mu friends started school. In fact, out of the 10 or so children that my grandmother kept… I was the only one who could not go to school that year. Everyone was so excited (even my grandmother) it was time to go to school. I felt extreme sadness. I was dealing with the loss of friendships as I knew it. I was going to be left behind while others moved forward. What a transition for a 5 year old to move through. I began to disengage.
Rev. Robert Brumet says, “One of the definitions of engage is to “interlock with” someone or something. To disengage is to “release” the interlocking that once existed.” Then the disidentification settled in. Brumet says, “Disengagement is primarily an external process; disidentification is an internal process.” Internally, I stopped seeing myself as part of this amazing group of family and friends. Inside, I felt alone. I was the only one being left behind. Who would I be without my friends all day? How will I play games outside by myself? I can’t play Red Rover, or kick ball, or double dutch by myself.
Then I experienced disenchantment. Brumet says, “The very thing upon which we have based our life has suddenly vanished! Welcome to the land of disenchantment.” I was angry that I couldn’t go to school with my friends. Why didn’t the school want me? I can’t help it that my birthday was late September. It wasn’t fair. I didn’t want my friends to leave.
Finally, I experienced disorientation. The author says, “To be disoriented is to be “confused, to lose one’s sense of direction, time, or perspective.” This is the only world I knew. Now what? I’m always going to be behind… I told myself. There must be something wrong with me. What will Monday mornings look like now?
The Closing
Let’s face it, endings are happening. And endings are not the end, they are just new beginning in disguise. Make the choice now not to ignore the endings. Choose not to underestimate endings by finding ways to ‘numb out.” And please, make the choice, not to overestimate the ending. Don’t get stuck in the story.
There is new life waiting to unfold for you. It is not the end of the world. It is the beginning of a brand new one. You may not understand it right now, but feel the fear, honor the grief, stay present to your magnificence, and do it anyway.
May it be so for each one of us today and in the days to come.